Subject: “Brin Declares Himself Gift Inspector General.”
**Keith Denies This Is A Real Job.”
At 07:41 this morning, Brin announced (unprompted) that he was now
“Gift Inspector General,”
responsible for ensuring all Guild presents were “safe for seasonal consumption.”
He immediately began opening gifts.
Witnesses described Brin as:
“determined,”
“smug,”
and “covered in glitter before the first ribbon hit the floor.”
Within twelve minutes:
23 gifts had been opened
0 hazards were discovered
3 snacks were consumed
Keith was tangled in tape
Brin had declared three objects “suspiciously crunchy”
and tried to confiscate them for “further analysis”
Keith attempted to intervene, shouting:
“STOP TAMPERING WITH CHRISTMAS.”
Brin replied:
“I’m preventing calamity, you’re welcome.”
This response was described as “concerningly confident.”
Other witnesses report:
Blue drafting a preliminary HR file titled Gift Tampering: Ongoing
Eglantine muttering “the prophecy spreads”
Hades staring in silent horror
Corvus narrating events like a murder podcast
Brin attempting to open a present that was already open
Keith attempting to re-wrap presents while Brin was still unwrapping them
Cleanup efforts stalled when Brin insisted the glitter was
“a sign from the ancient ones.”
Possibly a quest.
He refused to elaborate.
The tree is now 37% giftless.
Morale is confused.
Wrapping paper supplies are critically low.
Keith has filed a formal complaint titled:
“Unauthorized Gift Inspection & Destruction of Festive Property.”
Brin has stamped it “Approved.”
Investigation ongoing.
Confidence unwarranted.
Brin remains proud.
